Cactus Juice: The Therapy of Toph Bei Fong
by Mechanical Orange
Summary: Toph decides it's time for Aang and Mai to receive some of her patented tough love, along with a little cactus juice.  Well, a lot of cactus juice, actually.  Oneshot. Zutara/Taang/implied Ty Lee/Mai.


**Disclaimer: I don't own ATLA or any of its characters, etc.**

**A/N: So I wrote this after a comment Kimberly T. left on my other story Children's Work. She said she'd like to see Mai and Aang on cactus juice with Toph giving them some tough love about their respective canon partners. So here is that scene, complete with booze, swearing and plenty of ridiculousness. In fact, it's pretty much crack and not meant to be taken seriously at all. Enjoy!  
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Everyone was looking forward to this four year reunion, catching up and relaxing and spending time like they hadn't since the end of the war. They decided to meet on Ember Island; Zuko's beach home had been cleaned and refurbished.

The Fire Lord and his girlfriend Mai had already been there for a week, and when the rest of the group arrived they noticed Zuko seemed more stressed than usual, and Mai more taciturn.

Nonetheless, he greeted his friends with enthusiasm as they disembarked from the bison. Aang gave him a friendly half-hug on the shoulders, Sokka an affectionate clap on the back, Suki a bow and friendly smile, Toph a hard punch to the arm and Katara a warm embrace around his middle, one he was quick to reciprocate. He even smiled at her, something both Mai and Aang noticed.

In the years after the war, Aang had traveled the world trying to search for any remaining airbenders, then decided his time would be better spent fixing up the air temples and hoping airbenders would come to him.

Katara was useful to have around; she would cook and clean and launder and mend while Aang… airbent. True, he was going through the temple searching for intact scrolls and other artifacts, but more often than not, Katara would catch him on his glider or Appa. He had also been finding more and more opportunities to attempt to kiss her, something Katara was not completely sure she wanted. She wanted the attention, sure, but when it came from Aang it just seemed awkward and unexciting. She didn't feel her heart pound or her cheeks blush like she had around Jet or… or someone else. It didn't feel right, but at the air temple she had no one to talk to but Aang, and she knew he would never understand.

So she was grateful for this reunion, for the chance to see her friends again and participate in some girl talk about boys, or other fun activities she hadn't been able to engage in.

Zuko invited them all inside for a meal, and at the mention of food Sokka raced past the entire group dragging Suki along with him.

Zuko fell back and sidled up to Katara, someone who, if he was totally honest with himself, he was really looking forward to seeing. The past years had been good to her, and she had gained a much more pronounced womanly shape. The sight of her had made Zuko feel as if he had something stuck in his throat, and he realized shamefacedly that Mai had never made him feel like that. He smiled at her, and ran his eyes over her body.

"I missed you, Katara," he said quietly.

She smiled up at him (had he grown taller?). "I missed you too, Zuko."

They made it to the house and Zuko held the door for her as they entered. They walked to the dining room in silence, joining the rest of the group who had already begun eating.

Dinner was a fun affair, much laughing and eating and joking. Katara sat next to Zuko; she would pick things off his plate and he would smile at her. At one point he leaned down and whispered something in her ear. Katara grinned and nodded enthusasically. Aang glared at them from across the table. Neither of them noticed.

"Katara," Aang said, just as she popped one of Zuko's rice balls into her mouth, "do you want to walk on the beach with me later?"

"Oh, Aang, I would but Zuko wanted to show me around some," she smiled. "He said that he built a whole new pier with a little gazebo at the end."

Zuko nodded, "And I had some artisans come in and carve the Water Tribe symbol on the floor."

"I can't wait to see it!" Katara grinned, leaning into Zuko's shoulder. He smiled back at her.

A sharp thud resounded throughout the room, and everyone looked up to see Mai standing, one of her projectiles embedded into the wall. She left abruptly without saying a word.

"What's her problem?" Sokka asked in between bites of his dinner.

"I think I know," Aang replied darkly, and followed Mai out of the room.

"Ugh, they're so dramatic," Toph said.

"Do you think they're mad?" Katara asked, still staring into Zuko's eyes lovingly as he helped her up from her seat at the table.

"No, they're thrilled about the fact that you two are one walk on the beach away from fucking each other's brains out," the earthbender replied.

It seemed as though only Sokka and Suki heard her though, as the former choked on his meal and the latter tried to hide her giggles behind her hand. Zuko and Katara left the room without comment, no doubt to see the new pier and… christen it.

"What!" Sokka cried, once the lump of food cleared his trachea. "He wants to do what to my baby sister?"

"Oh come on, Snoozles," Toph said, her tone becoming more exasperated with every syllable. "I seriously can't be the only one who sees this."

"I thought there was something between them when I saw them together at the Western Air Temple," Suki said.

"What are you talking about?" Sokka asked. "She hated him then; she was always yelling at him and insulting him."

"Well, yeah, kind of like how when I'm mad at you when you do something stupid," Suki replied. "I thought when they went off to find the Southern Raiders they just wanted to find a quiet place for some makeup sex."

Sokka groaned into his hands and Toph smirked.

"They didn't," Toph said, "but they should have. The vibrations between those two when they got back, I thought they were going to cause an earthquake."

"I can't believe this," Sokka moaned. "What are we going to do?"

Toph's smirk became more pronounced, almost menacing, and she held up a bottle from under the table. "Don't worry; I've got it under control."

Toph found the two scorned lovers in the courtyard, sitting on opposite sides of the plaza and angrily staring off into space.

"Pretty sweet pity party you two got going here," Toph said.

Mai sighed dramatically and said, "What do you want?"

"I just stopped by to see how you two were doing, and maybe do a little cheering up."

"Yeah well, you can't," Aang said. "Katara blew me off for some pier Zuko built. I saved the world for her! How can she do this to me?"

Toph fought hard to refrain from rolling her eyes.

"And I saved Zuko from prison, but it's not like he cares," Mai added.

"What you two need is a nice, relaxing drink," Toph said. "Come here and let me pour you one."

"Toph, you know I don't drink," Aang told her.

Mai had already wandered over; she eyed the bottle with interest.

"Oh come on, Twinkletoes," Toph replied. "It's just one, and I promise you'll feel better."

"Promise?"

"I swear," Toph grinned.

Aang rose reluctantly from his seat and joined Mai and Toph.

"You pour, Needles," Toph said, handing the bottle and glasses to Mai. "Blind girls are no good at it."

Mai poured three glasses, and handed one to Toph and one to Aang. "Cheers," she said morosely.

Both Mai and Aang tipped the glasses back and drank it all in one gulp; while they weren't looking Toph tossed hers behind her into a nearby plant.

"There now," the earthbender smiled, "isn't that better?"

Aang began coughing loudly, talking in between his coughs. "It burned my throat."

"Oh yeah, the first time's always a little harsh, but the second one isn't so bad," Toph told him.

"Second one?" Aang asked worriedly, but Mai had already begun pouring.

By the fourth round Aang had stopped choking and both the Avatar's and Fire Nation girl's eyes looked glassy and unfocused.

Toph hadn't consumed any, her deception unnoticed by the other two. She smiled to herself as Mai reached for the bottle again.

"Maybe you should take it easy there, Needles," she said, grabbing the bottle away from Mai's long fingers.

"Why should I?" Mai asked. "Zuko's gone off to screw the waterbender and completely forgotten about me."

"Hey!" Aang shouted. "Katara doesn't do that; she's too… too…"

"You mean you haven't even done it yet?" Mai asked, nearly smirking.

"No! I mean… Katara said she wanted to wait until she was married," Aang said, blushing.

"Yeah, until she was married to Zuko," Toph mumbled under her breath.

"I should've seen this coming," Mai sighed. "We haven't had sex in months, and then there was that one time he started moaning 'Tara' in his sleep."

Aang's eyes got very wide and he stood up quickly, his drunkenness impeded his balance, however, and he fell down again.

"We have to go stop them," he whimpered. He turned to Mai. "Why aren't you more upset about this?"

Mai shrugged. "I guess I was always kind of expecting it. Even when I got out of prison for his coronation he didn't seem that excited. I thought it was because he was busy, but I guess it was because of that stupid waterbender."

"She's not stupid!" Aang cried. "She's beautiful and perfect and nice and she loves me and is going to marry me just like I wanted since I first saw her."

"Oh, did she tell you all that?" Toph asked, allowing Mai to pour another round. The earthbender figured they needed it if they were going to make it through this night.

"Well…" Aang began, looking into his cup, "not exactly, but she said liked me but wanted to wait until she was ready."

Mai snorted. "Yeah, Zuko said that too… two years ago."

"Ouch," Toph said.

"Yeah," Mai replied. "I even threatened to leave for Kyoshi to see Ty Lee and you know what he said?" Mai reached again for the bottle, which was only a quarter full by now. "He said if that's what I wanted, he wouldn't stop me."

"Face it Needles," Toph said. "Sparky's never going to propose… unless it's to Sugar Queen. Which is never going to happen if you two keep hanging on like eel-leeches."

"I am not an eel-leech!" Aang yelled. "Katara likes living at the air temple!"

"Did she ever tell you that?" Toph asked.

"Well, no, but she's never said she didn't want to."

"Did you ever give her a choice?"

"Of course," Aang replied. "I told her what I was going to do and that she should come with me because I love her and wanted her to be my forever girl."

Toph groaned and clapped her hand to her forehead. "And tell me, Twinkletoes, where exactly did you _ask_ her in that sentence? It sounds to me like you demanded it."

"No, I—"

"Yeah, Avatar," Mai chimed in. "That's exactly what it sounds like. I kind of did the same thing to Zuko." She sighed. "I told him never to break up with me again, and trust him to keep his word to the point of making himself, and me, miserable."

"There you go, Needles," Toph said, patting the tall girl on the back. "Just let it all out."

Mai rose slowly, swaying on her feet, but managing to stay upright. "I guess I should break up with him. Anyway, from what Ty Lee tells me, Kyoshi is much less boring than the palace."

"What?" Aang asked worriedly. "Don't do that! Now Zuko won't have anyone stopping him from… from…" But Aang couldn't bring himself to say what he was thinking, and it was just as well because the more he denied, the more pitying the looks from the girls became.

"Sorry, Avatar," Mai said. "We lost that battle a long time ago."

Mai slowly walked away, weaving along the path to her room. Toph and Aang watched her go, one with a smile and the other a frown.

"But—"

"Stuff it, Twinkletoes," Toph said. "I've been letting this go on for way too long."

"What?" Aang asked, confused. "What are you—"

But again Toph cut him off, this time with a hard kiss against his lips. Aang slowly gave in, his hands coming to rest on her shoulder and draw her in. After a few moments, Toph pulled away, grinning.

"There are other fish in the sea," she breathed.

Aang opened his mouth to respond, but the sound of laughter came wafting behind him, causing him to shut his mouth and look around.

Zuko and Katara were walking together, hand in hand, and wearing such sickly sweet smiles it made Aang's stomach churn (although that could've been from the alcohol). As soon as the grinning couple noticed Aang and Toph they dropped hands and smiles, and stepped away from each other.

"Hi, Aang," Katara said guiltily. She brushed her hair out of her face. It was mussed and her clothes looked out of order; her sash wasn't tied correctly. Zuko didn't look any more orderly and his tunic was hanging open around his chest, showing the scar he had acquired during the duel with his sister. "What are you and Toph doing?"

"Katara," Aang replied, rising to his feet unsteadily. "Toph and I were talking and—"

"Aang!" she cried. "Have you been drinking?"

Aang huffed, why wouldn't anyone let him finish his sentences? "Yes, but Toph made me realize something, something really important and I think you should hear it."

"Toph, you let him drink?" Katara asked. "How could you? You know he doesn't do that; he's a monk for La's sake, and you forced him to drink? Is that cactus juice? You gave him _cactus juice_!"

"KATARA!" Aang yelled. Katara immediately shut up, and Zuko began inching away slowly, unwilling to get caught up in the Avatar's wrath. "You too, Zuko," Aang added. "You both need to hear this." He took a deep breath and started again. "Toph made me realize that I haven't been fair to you, Katara. Or you, Zuko. I'm sorry and… and I'm breaking up with you."

"What?" Katara asked.

"I'm breaking up with you, Katara," Aang repeated. "I know you love Zuko and I want you to be happy." He caught Katara's surreptitious glance toward the firebender. "Oh, and also Mai's breaking up with you also, Zuko. Toph made her realize that too."

"Uh…" Zuko began, but Toph interrupted.

"So you two can carry on screwing guilt free, now," Toph said. "And you're welcome."

Zuko and Katara looked at each other, shrugged, then resumed their handholding. They walked away, but Toph heard Katara's remark anway. "I don't know if it'll be as fun now that we don't have to do it in secret."

Toph groaned, and slapped her forehead; she hadn't even had anything to drink and she was getting a headache.

"Are you okay, Sifu T?" Aang asked.

"Yeah, Twinkletoes," she replied. "Let's just go make out some more."

She took Aang by the hand and led him behind some bushes. She was feeling pretty good about herself; she got Mai to break up with Zuko, Aang to break up with Katara and Twinkletoes to make out with her. Yeah, Toph Bei Fong was on top of the world, she thought, as she leaned in for another kiss. But before their lips could meet, Aang doubled over and retched, throwing up into the blooming gardenia bush.

Well, Toph sighed, two out of three ain't bad.


End file.
